This Month's WHTY Feature: Tawny Kitaen

Tawny Kitaen—What Happened To You? In 1987 you were the crown jewel in many a spank bank. I still remember trying to freeze frame the exact moment you did the splits on the hood of Whitesnake’s car. This was pre-Tivo, and pre-DVD folks...and my cheap dad did NOT spring for the best technology VCR either. Bottom line: the whole production was the equivalent of a masturbatory high wire act that required Swiss-like precision and timing. If you missed by just a second, instead of the image of those luscious legs you were caught staring directly into the leathery face of David Coverdale. But we took such risks without apologies, without excuse. We were men.

And this is how you repay us? By becoming a drugged out, tranny look-a-like? Is it possible that, pound for pound, wrinkle for wrinkle, David Coverdale has actually held up better than YOU have? How could you do this to us? How could you do this to ME? Tawny---What Happened To You?

Babes In Beijing

Athletes posing for Playboy. Does it get any better than that? This month, fringe tennis player Ashley Harkleroad shows us all her goodies---and I must admit, it was a great layout. Some time ago, Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard strutted her stuff in the magazine. And now, as the 2008 Olympics kick off today, I got to thinking….what Olympic athletes would I like to see pose for Playboy next?

Carli Lloyd—Women’s Soccer

Yes, I know the obvious choice in this area is Heather Mitts, but I’m voting for my girl Carli. Heather’s way too much work. She’s the type that would probably only show tits so that she could protect her future “movie career”. Carli’s a cute Jersey girl and just seems more down to earth. She looks like she’d be cool to hang out with in a bar or something. She can dribble my balls anytime.

Diana Taurasi—Women’s Basketball

This was a toughy, coz there were slim pickings here. I almost went with Candace Parker, but she just reminds me too much of Jenelle from Real World Key West. But Taurasi would be sweet. Can you imagine all 6 feet of her stretched across the pullout centerfold, in the buff save a bright orange basketball across her stomach. Ahhhh, she can dribble my balls anytime (yeah, I said it twice, but it still applies!).

Haley Cope—Women’s Swimming

She’s gave us a taste before. Now its time for the main course. Dr. Philthy would very much like to show Haley his version of the breast stroke.

Nastia Liukin—Women’s Gymnastics

Unfortunately, most of the hard bodies on this team are also under 18 years old, so it would make no sense to nominate them—well, it some cases it might, Dr. Philthy don’t want to trouble from the feds! So, Nastia aka Ms. Nasty is the nominee here. Can you imagine the rippling body under that leotard? Straddle my pummel horse, Nastia!!

And finally…

The 2008 “Keep It On The D.L.” Award goes to Charlotte Craig---Women’s Tae Kwon Do
Yes, she’s only 17 but there’s something about a cute blonde that can totally kick my ass that gets Dr. Philthy’s nun-chuck excited. See you in a year, Charlotte-son!

Any other ideas from the field?

Brett, You're Being A Little Bitch...

...and you’re about to kill your legacy. You could have exited the NFL with the raree distinction of someone that goes out on top. Someone who spent their entire stellar career with a single time (we’ll forget the year with the Falcons) and became an almost mythical figure in the city. But instead, your constant whining has turned the last few weeks into a soap opera.

You tell the Packers you want back in. Then you say you’re not sure. Now you say you ARE sure. And you wonder why the Packers are having second thoughts about having you back?

Can you imagine having to play for a different team? The thought of you traipsing around in a Jets uniform is as sickening as Jerry Rice hobbling around as a Raider or Emmitt Smith running…err, jogging…for dear life in a Cardinals uni. Bruce Smith as a Redskin, Franco Harris as a Seahawk, Tony Dorsett as a Bronco, the list goes on and on. Do you really want to be a part of this cast of misfits?

And what about all the retirement fanfare we gave you? All that caviar and confetti costs money. You’re telling me that was all for nothing? What about when you retire for good…are we expected to do this for you all over again?

Do yourself a favor and stay at home….or believe me, once that first practice in 100 degree heat rolls around, you’ll wish you did.

New Segment---What Happened To You?

In this inaugural segment titled "What Happened To You", we ask starlets of yesteryear why they just weren't able to keep their shit together.

Today's subject is (former?) actress and sex symbol Jamie Lee Curtis. Ms. Curtis--What Happened To You? From Trading Places, to A Fish Called Wanda, to True Lies, you gave boners to a generation of boys as they gradually became men. And now, look at you!

Look, I know you turn 50 this year. And for 50, you've held up great, I give you props for that. But this "au natural, growing old gracefully" routine you've got going is NOT WORKING. That short cropped do that you had in the 80s that we all found so hot now makes you look like Richard Belzer.

I know you're trying to be less "hollywood" and more of an inspiration to middle aged, menopausal housewives everywhere. But, you're not off the hook till the osteoperosis sets in. I'm not saying you have to go all botox on us. We're just asking that you make an effort. Shit, after "Blue Steel" you owe us that much.

Please just start trying, ok?

Hottest Daughter?

With the recent wedding of Jenna Bush, it got Dr. Philthy thinking. Who is the hottest daughter of current/former presidential candidates? I present to you, clockwise:

1) Meghan McCain
2) Chelsea Clinton
3) Karenna Gore-Schiff
4) Alexandra Kerry

Who would you bang first? Last?

Chelsea's gotta be last. Unfortunately, she inherited her mother's crazy eyes and equine choppers. She looks like a clown. Banging her would be like banging Ronald f'ing McDonald.

Next to last would be Alexandra. She's pretty hot. And I like the see through dress gaffe. But she's got that John Kerry jawline, which is fine on a man but not a good look on a woman. And she looks tall and lean too. You could roll her over and do her from behind, but then you're really just doing John Kerry from behind. So doesn't that just make you John Edwards?

Karenna Gore-Schiff. 2nd place. I like her. A sophisticated southern belle who, after a few too many whiskey-sours, could probably turn into quite the freak. She has created a global warming in Dr. Philthy's pants.

Gotta give top billing to Meghan. Raw looks, Karenna probably beats her out. But she strikes me as the type of girl who's hot enough, but just insecure enough about her body, to give a man like Philthy a chance. Plus, she's an Arizona girl, so I imagine she's a dirty bird.

DC Madame Commits "Suicide"

Hours ago, it was reported that Deborah Jeane Palfrey, aka the DC Madame, was found dead in her mother's trailer park in Florida. Two things surprise me about this tragic development. First, I am BLOWN AWAY that her family isn't some Brooks Brothers, WASP-y type from The Hamptons or some shit like that. I mean, look at her--she's a successful female pimp! Her blood couldn't be anything but royal blue, could it?

Second, it amazes me that this has been so quickly ruled a "suicide". Why would she kill herself? This woman allegedly has dirt on all the power players in D.C.--you don't think she wants to flaunt it? This is Heidi Fleiss Part II, only the people in her little black book aren't coked out whoremonger actors like Charlie Sheen. No, instead they are elected officials and influential lobbyists, which makes this case much juicier. Heidi turned her misfortune into fame---ok, well maybe infamy is more like it. But infamy pays, bitch! Its not like she was going to get the chair or be an embarassment to her High Society parents. Something doesn't make sense. Unless....

Who is this town's most notorious whoremonger of all time? A whoremonger who has so much to lose if his exploits become public? A whoremonger with the resources to orchestrate a murder, and the clout to cover it up?

Of course, you know who I'm talking about. The election is months away, and Bill Clinton's wife is in a dogfight for the DNC nomination. Any misstep could torpedo her hopes of earning the nomination and, potentially, the White House. If his name showed up in those books, it destroys HRC for good. And once her political ambitions are crushed, you can bet she's taking Slick Willy to court for fitty percent of his shit.

On the other hand, all he's got to do is pull a Vince Foster and destroy the evidence, and he'll be back in the Blowval Office getting Lewinskied in no time!

What would YOU do?

Miley Cyrus---What's Next, Bitch?

By now we’ve all seen the hubbub about Hannah Montana’s “racy” spread for Vanity Fair magazine. While they are not the most scandalous pics in the world, they are anything but innocent for a 15 year old. Were I a parent, I’d be appalled and outraged that she, her family, and the magazine would stoop so low. As a Philthy doctor, I’m appalled and outraged that they couldn’t find a hotter 15 year old to pose for them. With that pasty white skin and jet black hair, she looks like a Thriller video zombie.

And the hipocrisy of MC pisses me off too. She was obviously ok with the shots being taken---she said she thought they'd be "artistic"---but now says she's "embarrassed". Really, Miley? Thought they'd be artistic? Have you ever seen Annie Leibovitz's work before? She's gotten more celebrities to show us their tits than Uncle Scoopy. And I can virtually guarantee that your dad Billy Ray has beaten off to at least a couple of them, so I can't imagine he was that ignorant going into the shoot.

Truth is, you see the writing on the wall. This Hannah Montana shit has just a couple years before it goes the way of the Spice Girls. The limelight will fade, and unless you plan on marrying the best soccer player on the planet, you're gonna be the next Baby Fuckin Spice. So, if you wanna go skank on us, that's fine, just be up front about it.

Which brings us to the title of this blog. Miley has clearly hit the first of many crossroads in her career with this stunt. There are many paths that she can take from here on out. To this end, I’ve tried to relate it to the paths that some of MY childhood crushes/fetishes ultimately took. In which of their paths will Miley follow?

--Dana Plato (Kimberly Drummond. “Different Strokes”). A true 80s hottie who ultimately did Playboy, graduated to Skinemax and ultimately took her own life. RIP, Kimberly, RIP.

--Tracey Gold (Carol Seaver, “Growing Pains”). Ongoing weight battles during show ultimately led to a bout with anorexia. Not to be confused with.....

--Tina Yothers (Jennifer Keaton, “Family Ties”). Attractice in a girl next door way, after FT she was out of the spotlight for 20 years or so until she ballooned and ended up on Celebrity Fit Club (twice).

--Winnie Cooper ("Wonder Years"). Her square jaw got squarer, she got homelier, but ended up going to an Ivy league school I think. This is probably why I don't know her real name.

--Debbi Gibson (singer): Playboy

--Tiffany (singer): Playboy

--Alyssa Milano, Nicole Eggert: Do you really need to ask?

So....which one's it gonna be Miley?